what comes come, what goes go

I've been to the abyss and back. So what were the big black crows?

3/9 - We broke up. Jon and i. Ticker factory in our blog says it's been 6 months 3 weeks and 4 days since our first anniversary. Which means we've been together for more than one and the half years. It has been a whirlwind relationship filled of ups and downs, doubts, and uncertainty.

Come to think of it, it's a bit funny that we got together at the first place. We've never attended the same schools, colleges, or even tuition centres. But i've known him for almost 6 or 7 years. He was in vi back then, and me, in bts. Soon after we've met we had different commitments, i started a relationship with justin, and he dated wen jean. But we became pet-bro and sis. Back then we maintained a close relationship - we shared problems, and even used to chat up to hours on the phone.

I'll always remember 'paw', the term which never fail to deliver its message when you're on the phone. It stands for 'parents are watching'.

However, we gradually lose contact as the years go by. It was only during the end of 2004 that he invited me for a movie with his group of friends as there were extra tickets. And that was when the sparks started appearing. The following day i celebrated new year with him. He later confessed his feelings and i accepted.

But as time passed, the sparks were no longer there. The initial chemistry both of us had may have changed with the changes occuring in both of us. It was high time that we take a step back to review our relationship and re-evaluate our commitments.

And we did. We discussed the matter several times but all the more, we were still determined to give the relationship another shot. So we watched our hearts, guided our minds, and tried to keep things alive, yeah sure, but what are the odds of it being successful? None of us could tell. It was hard to keep the flame burning.

I think there was one major phase when we were in that we-need-to-give-each-other-personal-space kindda stage somewhere early this year when we never met for months, and rarely send each other sms-es. We grew apart and many times we felt like normal friends. And that's how we ended up continuing a half-fucked relationship that's neither committed nor uncommitted, neither serious nor casual, neither short-term nor everlasting. Probably that's why my inhibitions were pretty low all this time.

I hated it when people asked how jon and i were doing, and i had to reply 'i don't know'. The truth is, i really don't know.

Had i thought of breaking up completely? Yes i had. But i was reluctant to do so without even giving it a proper try and i thought it was a waste for a 1-year plus relationship to go down the drain.

How exactly did it end? He couldn't accept certain things. I was having worries about certain things. Won't say what are the things here. What's worse was that we didn't end in good terms. When we talked online the other day words came tumbling out of me and they escaped in an avalanche.

I think this is the first time i'm putting a slice of my *very* personal life up in my blog. I don't know why, but i think i needed a place to say some things.

lifesuckssuckssucks

I have the urge to wallow in self pity now.